Schizo

was i meant to wallow in your shadow? See your successes and cry over our lost times together. It's been four years. Lovers have come and gone - and yet every time a come across any lingering debris of you i stop. i feel like my organs are being pulled everywhere from this body.

Will this be haunting me for all eternity? Bodi says - feeling the pain doesn't mean that i want to be with you again. But for some reason I still want to prove myself. Maybe this isn't about you anymore. It's about me and how I have died over and over. I want to kill you. see you scream die. blood. I want your blood, your spilled guts. I want to see your artistic eyes go blank. It will be delicious. I want you to suffer. Still I stop. I wonder if that's how Jesus Christ sees me. After all I did though, He loved. I am called to love like Christ. dare i call myself a Christian? Sometimes - More often than not - I want to reconsider.

Yesterday was my graduation. I brought Bodi forward to my godforsaken chinese world. They picked at his soul like vultures in the dessert with a rotting corpse. They pierced through him. He froze. I wanted to gauge out their eyes. The eyes of my own mother! for frack's sake. I hated them. CAN'T THEY SEE THAT THERE ARE AS MUCH ASSHOLES OF CHINESE BITCHES OUT THERE? I m selfish. So what. I m thinking of my happiness but isn't my happiness theirs? No. Maybe not. They gave me an itouch. Seriously what the frack do i need an itouch for? Seriously a way to parade my family's riches to the world. I don't need it, more so i don't WANT IT. Will i keep on faking my smiles, pretending i understand, i agree, I CARE??!?!?!? FRACK. or tell them the truth and let them all die with the pain of it?!!!!!!

Dark and twisty? It has gone beyond darkness plunged into nothingness. Pag-asa? Ano yun? They say I m a different ICAN. Apparently, Atenean Xavierians and ICANs of my batch call me Ms. NGO. People hate things they don't understand or they pretend they understand it, call it names, put it in a box, judge it, that's all they can do anyway. I don't understand myself hence i hate. god let me be normal, please let me like or at least APPRECIATE expensive gifts, let me love chinese boys, let me want to have a management trainee position and set up my own business, let me DRIVE FOR FRACK SAKES, let me be pearly white.

Endorphins no longer help. The depths of my soul have been breached, so quickly, so soon.

So much for happy posts, so much for a happy life.

I am so tired of being angry.

I know

But at the end of the day it all comes down to the question whether or not you have loved enough or did you just run when you saw uncertainty and pain at the end of the road?

Dean's List

My taste of honors in my college career.

Funny what no accounting, no finance and no law subjects can do.

Where is she?

I write this now because tomorrow will have a story of it's own. The feelings are fresh and raw. I began my journey in college as an emotional wreck and now, I have somehow managed to kill my feelings off with my own opinion as my presidency would dictate me to do. I was hoping for myself to break during my senior's night but it just never came. Maybe I have lost my ability to show my broken self and as Anais said, I will learn it at another time. I miss that girl. The one who wears her feelings on her sleeves, I await the day when I can look at myself in the mirror again and find my humanness in my eyes, in my heart. I know my heart loves - despite my unwillingness to show it. I know it loves the org that's why I adapted to the need. I want my tears back, my emotion back, my carefree self back. Thing is, I will always be an ACIL president and an ACILista at that - I just hope that I can stop letting these things define me rather than me defining what these things are for me.

I don't know what my problem is or what I want or how I can fix my problem. Funny that I come to the end of my term still thinking that another person would have done the job better than me that until the end I still lack the confidence to love myself and give myself any credit for anything. Fuck it. I m a screwed, an insecure screwed broken... How I want to go back to the start and fix myself. Why do we have to be broken before we learn that it's hard to put things back together; more so why do we have to be BROKEN before we LEARN? These are life's biggest questions - and i hate them.

Can I please fix myself? How? I wonder if my family had anything to do with this. Ah yes, my issues. Well, everyone has issues and indeed everyone is broken. So many things to think of, so many things to hate and love.

I want clarity - something that I never had in my life - daming patay eh. How can you hold on to anything when when you're 8 years old your father, uncle and aunt dies all in 2 months. I don't blame them for biting the dust, and I don't mean to be rude. I m just saying. ISSUES.

Rather than silence and peace, my stoic speech made me more restless not about the organization but about myself.

Perhaps that's what the 8 day of silence is all about. thing is - i m used to writing in my laptop than paper - but oh well.

Bad Surprises

Was excited for area today but it never came :( So sad - as in sad. I can't help but feel yet again that I am at fault for the actions of my areaheads - but i guess I am, I didn't remind them enough I didn't tell them that they HAD TO HAVE AREA DURING THE LAST AREA DAY and remind mang Digs at that. Fucking annoyed at myself, I didn't and a few other ACIListas weren't even given the chance to say their last goodbyes to their kids. This is just painful. :( Gah. Woke up late pa bobo talaga. Annoying. Grr.

But nevertheless this day was full of other things i didn't quite expect. I tripped today over a twig and yeah my toe injured. Went to the infirmary to have it . Old lady with white hair and a pearl hairband went to assist me. She wasn't gentle at all. She wildy cleaned my toe and she said she had to do it to make sure that there were no more bacteria and i wouldn't get tetano. The wound was bleeding more. I covered my mouth to prevent myself from screaming. She asked the question that would turn my world around: "May tetano shot ka na ba?" Me: "po?" she repeated the question: "May tetano shot ka na ba? Kasi mahirap na meron akong patient dati ...." She then told the story about a woman who spent half a million in a month trying to figure out what was wrong with her - apparently it was tentano. She then told me - like doctors do - that it was my choice but if it were them blahblahblah. So to cut the long story short - I screamed for Chieney to hold my hand as the doctor pierced me with her evil needle. :.( It was painful. Nevertheless, eventful.

Whattaday. I want my last area day. I WANT IT. But i m afraid I'll just never get it.