White Heat

*Before you read this entry let me warn you that this is the epitome of writing in white heat*

September 26, 2010

I had to work again today & it's a Sunday. And nothing screams badtrip like working on a weekend - more so on a Sunday - more so to a secluded area so far away from your family & friends.

Night before was fun though, got a little tipsy with Kukay at Tagaytay Highlands in the highest highest part of highlands. But it gave me a painful, painful headache. We went back to the hotel & I was laughing like a crazy woman and crying at the same time. It was fun to laugh. Din din had such a beautiful voice, she sang for us during the last flop sky lounge event of Annie's. Then afterwards, I slept, thankfully kukay slept with me through my endless imagining of the "babaeng nakagladiator heals na laging nakasunod kay Kaya".

But I guess this story/ entry is not about that. This story is about him & Him.

These two Men in my life have made such a difference. Cheesy as it might sound, Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour and Bodi Yuhico. I don't mean to offend my brother by not mentioning him here. But I guess this is the time of my life where the other Two Men have proven themselves over and over to me and I can't help but give them at least a few words to show my appreciation.

I have felt so broken recently well not that this is new, I have always felt broken, one way or another. But recently, I have been going out of my mind. Specifically because I don't know what I want and I've been drowning in evil & nice clients, in proposals, in EBS forms, in BEO's in F&B, FO, Folio problems that I can't stop and look at what's really bothering me.

This day, I stopped, I breathed and I listened.

I listened to Bodi. But more importantly I listened to God.

Bodi fetched me at Tagaytay at around 3:00pm. I wanted to go somewhere far, unconsciously thinking that if I could just go far far away, my problems would get lost along the way and never find their way back to me. I wanted to go to Batangas. Bodi didn't want to. He was the one driving. I got annoyed and started explaining to him that I m bored with our relationship. He told me that I didn't do anything to "unbore" myself.

It hit me that I was always counting on him to make myself better, to make my world shiny and pretty. That wasn't his job. lightbulb moment

We then walked around Lake Hotel. Friends for the moment. Then, I decided I just wanted to forget everything and drink alcohol and maybe learn to smoke.

We drove around a few more minutes around Tagaytay.

We stopped in a Church and prayed.

There was a vendor selling candles, one set for purity and the other for success. We bought & prayed.

There was a mass. We stayed and joined the celebration.

(even though he had already heard mass that day, he went and heard the sermon with me, he slept through some parts).

My heart sank & at the same time flew. How short a time have I just heard Him talking to me through the 8 days of silence. I cried as I always did as i received him in Holy Communion. Then there was nothing but the music, Him and me just for that moment.

And then there was that weird AVP about nature.

But in the end, I m still somewhere lost with no clear way but with the clear knowledge I am loved. And if I just choose to, I can feel it and live with knowing this FACT.

At least I have that enough to keep me living, smiling and most important of all, loving.