Where is she?

I write this now because tomorrow will have a story of it's own. The feelings are fresh and raw. I began my journey in college as an emotional wreck and now, I have somehow managed to kill my feelings off with my own opinion as my presidency would dictate me to do. I was hoping for myself to break during my senior's night but it just never came. Maybe I have lost my ability to show my broken self and as Anais said, I will learn it at another time. I miss that girl. The one who wears her feelings on her sleeves, I await the day when I can look at myself in the mirror again and find my humanness in my eyes, in my heart. I know my heart loves - despite my unwillingness to show it. I know it loves the org that's why I adapted to the need. I want my tears back, my emotion back, my carefree self back. Thing is, I will always be an ACIL president and an ACILista at that - I just hope that I can stop letting these things define me rather than me defining what these things are for me.

I don't know what my problem is or what I want or how I can fix my problem. Funny that I come to the end of my term still thinking that another person would have done the job better than me that until the end I still lack the confidence to love myself and give myself any credit for anything. Fuck it. I m a screwed, an insecure screwed broken... How I want to go back to the start and fix myself. Why do we have to be broken before we learn that it's hard to put things back together; more so why do we have to be BROKEN before we LEARN? These are life's biggest questions - and i hate them.

Can I please fix myself? How? I wonder if my family had anything to do with this. Ah yes, my issues. Well, everyone has issues and indeed everyone is broken. So many things to think of, so many things to hate and love.

I want clarity - something that I never had in my life - daming patay eh. How can you hold on to anything when when you're 8 years old your father, uncle and aunt dies all in 2 months. I don't blame them for biting the dust, and I don't mean to be rude. I m just saying. ISSUES.

Rather than silence and peace, my stoic speech made me more restless not about the organization but about myself.

Perhaps that's what the 8 day of silence is all about. thing is - i m used to writing in my laptop than paper - but oh well.