Happy Birthday Jess

Dear Jess,

I know I haven't been the child you wanted these past few months. It's just it's the first time I didn't feel obligated to follow You, I mean, it's just different now where I don't have organizations dictating what it means to be your daughter (FCCY, ACIL). And I have fallen a long way. I haven't been talking to you - at all.

I have become arrogant, reckless and careless. But for some reason, I have begun to love myself by being a little bit arrogant, reckless and careless. Should I stop being guilty for giving myself credit? For giving myself a little love? For spoiling myself a little bit?

Perhaps not, but this doesn't justify the not talking to you now does it?

I didn't go to mass - I didn't bother to. I didn't even bother to greet you a happy birthday.

I hope you can find it in your heart of hearts to forgive me. I will do better with this new found "freedom" of choice, new found freedom to hold on to my principles or to throw them away like a receipt for a P20.00 bottle of water, new found freedom to say yes to you and your will.

As bodi would say, I need to put on shades/ open my lights.

Let me thank you, Lord for what you were able to let me do this year, and for the things that you gave with your kindness:

1.) Graduation

2.) A for ACIL

3.) ACIL's great leaders for it's 105th year.

4.) Family Love - Bohol, Cebu, CDO <3

5.) Thank you for the pain and the joy of Summit Ridge Tagaytay.

- for the people who I have met and will never forget

- for helping me forget some of those people I did meet

- for the forgiveness & understanding of Clients & superiors

- for the learnings

- for getting me the hell out of there!!! <3

- for Kukay

- for giving me and Bodi time that I cannot trade for anything else

- for reminding me that I need more out of what I do everyday, that it's not about the money. It's about the love & the passion.

6.) For the opportunity to get out of the rut and an opportunity to grow & to love like you have loved me.

3rd, 4th & 5th Christmas Celebration

4th Christmas Celebration: BDD Christmas Party

Toyz Fort Strip! There were a lot of inside jokes that I didn't get but it was loads of fun anyway! And since this blog isn't supposed to be for people who know "me", I m okay with putting my favorite picture of the night!

5th Christmas Celebration: Franchise Christmas Party

Center Stage @ Tomas Morato. Wild. Disco lights via Ms. Aimee's cellphone. Ma'am Net shaking everything. heartfelt singing. Ms. Vianca Dedicating songs to herself. Tanduay Ice as greatest alcohol drink on earth!

6th Christmas Celebration: ACIL Christmas Party

Drunk with genuine love, inside jokes & yummy food.

happy birthday ducky! hahaha

3rd Christmas Celebration

Caroling, family, fun in a bus!

Became an adult supervisor for ACIL. Such a great thing to know that we left our beloved home to such great people:

Message to "undergrads":

I m so very proud of you dears. Congratulations for a very successful year filled with so much accomplishments! Marla and I knew with confidence that you'll go through this year earning bruises that will make you invincible and such great leaders ready for ANYTHING! ♥ And in behalf of my batch, I thank you for taking care and nurturing our baby projects (YCC & Kampanya para Kay Kristo/KKK) and of course our beloved home, ACIL.

Overflowing with joy and thanks to Jess that He entrusted His baby to you guys.

ACIL is not a fraternity, it's a community. ;)

a feast

He looks at me with fever and hunger in his eyes

He breathes heavily.

My soul shivers

I walk towards him drawn, drowning.

He takes my arm grips it hard,

stopping my blood & worries from coursing through my veins.

My heart was thumping.

He throws me down.

Touch Salt sweat eyes lips ears nose.

curves, breath. fingertips. hands. *gasp*

He leaves and i find myself waiting for another taste of his hunger.

Deadly Worry

Two hours have gone and still no word.

I inhaled toxic smoke to let my head swim to no where, to any where else but crashed cars and bleeding bodies on the asphalt road.

I hid myself in the darkness. Together with stray cats, I sat and looked at smoke escape my hungry lips. Wanted to drink, wanted to die. I love you.

Helpless. Please Lord, let me be with him. Now that he needs me.

Can't scream, can't move.

Can't breathe. Don't want to breathe.

I give up.

Inhaled again, my only salvation. Breathed out.

I quit.

Inhales again-

2nd Christmas Celebration

With my one and only.
Things didn't go exactly as I planned - swimming fun, romantic dinner with WOW ulam as inside joke & perfect gift giving. Fate had other plans, they were not mine but perfect none the less.

Bought McDo (Classic cheese burger meal and fries) + beer (hehe)
Went to the condo
Back to back wrapping our gifts
Faced each other after a while -talked and laughed
Started opening gifts

My gifts to him:

- sun shade

- car trash can

- Praise & Worship CD

- Sugarfree & E-heads CD

- pen w/ engraving

Listened to Mahal Kita Kasi... <3

Drowned in his eyes.

Staring up at him made me feel like there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Or if there were, we can clobber them with our disgusting lovey dovey powers.

Sometimes, he gets me believing that we do only need each other to be happy.

His arms around me, his breath on my neck, I stare at a 7 foot glass window. 19 floors above the ground, I see lights of green yellow and red looking at me, some blinking and some just staring. Some were angry, some envious but most were kind onlookers.

I didn't think I'd ever feel this again. I didn't think I could feel more.

My heart was flying, my limbs were flimsy, when we kissed - I found everything I was looking for. I found forgiveness, happiness, peace, passion, & most of all reason.

Reason to walk, breath, move. Open my eyes to see him looking at me with intensity.

He is an infinite pool of ideas, love, intelligence, passion and for some reason, he has bound himself to me in the eyes of God. He promises everyday. To love me despite it all.

Gratitude.

Merry Christmas!

1st Christmas Celebration

I m currently employed in Philippine Seven Corp (PSC) now since November 15, 2010. Luckily, despite the fact that I haven't been in the company long enough to make a relevant contribution, I was invited to the Corporate Christmas Party! It was held at Intramuros Clamshell.

Went with Ms. Aims - my boss, Ms. Vianca & Ms. Nel to the venue. Dressed up & made up in the car at an open parking lot in broad daylight. Stressful, fun & funny!

Took a LOT of pictures but they're all with Michii so I m still waiting for the upload :I EXCITED TO SEE 'EM!

Highlights of the Night:

Ate Shawi as host for the night - she looks so much like Sharon from a far & up close!

JVP's Taglish Speech - the effort was obvious & touching. but he was so cute & so sweet. typical Atenista though. you can hear the twang in the Filipino - hindi sanay! Which makes him all the more LOVABLE! I'D FORGET ALL MY PRINCIPLES FOR YOU! (I know creepy. Parang Kuya Kim lang ito anyway, heart heart)

Went with the Franchise Team to Greenhills to drink a little. We got there around 12mn.

Car ride:

Sir Lee: Hoy Ong!

Me: Sir?

Sir Lee: May nagtanong sakin kanina: Pare, tao mo ba un? Cute siya a. Pure chinese pa un Ong! Nako pano ba yan! Galing marketing!

*hiyawan sa car*

Me: Ano ba yan Sir, taken na ako!

Sir Lee: Sino ba yan? Ano pangalan? San ba nagtratrabaho yang boypren mo?

Me: Unilab po, Bodi ang pangalan.

Sir Lee: Ano?! Boldie?!

Me: BODI PO! Sir wag na, alam niyo po pag nakilala niyo siya, maiintindihan niyo kung bakit ko siya ipinaglalaban. Maiintindihan niyo kung bakit ako in love! X) Sir basta next time, sabihin niyo po taken na tapos SHUT YOUR FACE!

Sir Lee: Pano kung si JVP un? Sasabihin ko rin shut your face?!?!?!

Me: Sir, ibang usapan na yan! Maski ung boyfriend ko maiintindihan bakit ko siya iiwan.

*Screaming in the car*

Drank a little and danced to super OLD Music. Ie: Build me up buttercup don't break my heart!

Ms. Net brings me home. Thank you po Ms. Net!

2:30 am: finally on the bed.

Merry Christmas!

Teenage Dream

Random
I can attest to the fact that I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you. But for SOME reason, I can't write about you. Why? Why Why? I know I m not a writer. But I used to know how to express myself in seemingly random words pieced together by a not so secret emotion. Why is it so hard to write when you're happy? You just end up saying things like - words can't explain how happy I am versus - I m so empty. Even if someone randomly cuts my stomach open and feeds my remains to the vultures, rats or even worms - i won't feel a thing. Not sadness for the horrible way i died or happiness for the fact that it will be over soon.

Current Events
Mommy texted me today after I brought Bodi to our house for 4 consecutive days (and I quote):
Wag ka muna magcomit. friends lang muna kayo. Marami ka pa meet. Start pa lang new part of ur life aftr skul. - Okay well and good. But a question keeps on bugging me. Bakit dati, I was with Mark and it was okay and take note: highschool pa ako nun. Pero ngayon suddenly, now that I m older marami pa ako mameemeet. Hay mother dear, stop being so inconsistent and illogical. Please know that you can no longer tease me with lollipops or tell me things like "babalikan natin yan" or things like "ganun talaga kasi ganun". I have learned to reason, I have learned to think. I m not as stupid as you think I am.

we can dance until we die
you and i, will be young forever!
You make me feel like I m living in a teenage dream! The way you turn me on! ;)

For the one who's not the one

Dearest kuya,

I never had the chance to reply to your letter. I never had the chance to kick you and scream at you for not loving me enough to see past my race & my immaturity. I never had the chance to tell you how much I hated you for not choosing me to be yours despite all that you say. If I was your rock, well you were my rice - staple & needed at least thrice a day. You were everything I needed in a friend, brother & mentor. Tamang kulit, tamang lambing, tamang pagbatok lang kapag nagiging tanga. Ikaw. Ikaw na nakawala. You who got away. The one who could have been.

I've been thinking of you a lot lately and it's driving me crazy. I don't know why I took that cigarette out at Starbucks that night. Perhaps I wanted you to see me again, to scold me again, to tell me that you cared whether I killed myself or not. Instead, well, you blatantly told me that you didn't by not pressing the issue, by not telling me to quit being a brat and stop smoking.

I woke up to the reality that your jokes now are really just jokes. No further meaning, no further feeling. I've been throwing what if phrases to you because well honestly - you were still a what if. an option. a possibility. an open ended sentence. And I admit it was unfair to bodi. The person who so patiently loved me despite my imperfections despite his feeling that I loved you more than him, despite the feeling that I might have loved us more that what me and him have.

When we meet again, I will hold you in my arms and kiss your cheek (hopefully if I can muster the strength and the gall to) I don't care what they think. For every word unspoken for every joke that was meant, I owe this to the us that has passed. I will say goodbye to all the anger that i collected so carefully that you are with her and not me. I will throw away all the doubts in my mind of your love for her and burn all my lingering hopeful thoughts of us and what was of us.

Thank you for shaping me into a strong person, my kuya. You saved me from a lot of deaths and have encouraged me to fall in love again with the greatest person in the world. I distanced myself from you since I might see myself falling for you when I have you around. But now I realize that that's just not the point. It's about my decisions. Thinking that you are the one who got away, just won't cut it. You are not the one. Simply put. Out of sight doesn't necessarily mean out of mind. It's about what you decide.

And I decide today. Tonight. To commit and love only one person (even if he doesn't know it yet). I will grow old with him. For me to be his only one and him mine.

I love you bodi yuhico. You are my only one, starting tonight until forever.