Schizo

was i meant to wallow in your shadow? See your successes and cry over our lost times together. It's been four years. Lovers have come and gone - and yet every time a come across any lingering debris of you i stop. i feel like my organs are being pulled everywhere from this body.

Will this be haunting me for all eternity? Bodi says - feeling the pain doesn't mean that i want to be with you again. But for some reason I still want to prove myself. Maybe this isn't about you anymore. It's about me and how I have died over and over. I want to kill you. see you scream die. blood. I want your blood, your spilled guts. I want to see your artistic eyes go blank. It will be delicious. I want you to suffer. Still I stop. I wonder if that's how Jesus Christ sees me. After all I did though, He loved. I am called to love like Christ. dare i call myself a Christian? Sometimes - More often than not - I want to reconsider.

Yesterday was my graduation. I brought Bodi forward to my godforsaken chinese world. They picked at his soul like vultures in the dessert with a rotting corpse. They pierced through him. He froze. I wanted to gauge out their eyes. The eyes of my own mother! for frack's sake. I hated them. CAN'T THEY SEE THAT THERE ARE AS MUCH ASSHOLES OF CHINESE BITCHES OUT THERE? I m selfish. So what. I m thinking of my happiness but isn't my happiness theirs? No. Maybe not. They gave me an itouch. Seriously what the frack do i need an itouch for? Seriously a way to parade my family's riches to the world. I don't need it, more so i don't WANT IT. Will i keep on faking my smiles, pretending i understand, i agree, I CARE??!?!?!? FRACK. or tell them the truth and let them all die with the pain of it?!!!!!!

Dark and twisty? It has gone beyond darkness plunged into nothingness. Pag-asa? Ano yun? They say I m a different ICAN. Apparently, Atenean Xavierians and ICANs of my batch call me Ms. NGO. People hate things they don't understand or they pretend they understand it, call it names, put it in a box, judge it, that's all they can do anyway. I don't understand myself hence i hate. god let me be normal, please let me like or at least APPRECIATE expensive gifts, let me love chinese boys, let me want to have a management trainee position and set up my own business, let me DRIVE FOR FRACK SAKES, let me be pearly white.

Endorphins no longer help. The depths of my soul have been breached, so quickly, so soon.

So much for happy posts, so much for a happy life.