jealous

it's funny that this sem should lead me here, to this feeling of utmost recklessness, exhaustion, dissappointment, loss of faith.

it is a sunday, and i usually make time even if i don't have time to go to mass yet i am here, typing on this pathetic excuse of a friend, my virus-filled laptop. i m not ashamed of it though, for if there was anyone who worked as hard as i, know my pitfalls, my thoughts, my entire being in and out it was him. i love it for its lack of humanity, the ability to talk, to comment, to love, to die.

but the funny thing is, it can complain, it complains a lot. it turns off all of a sudden (*starts saving blog*) it can turn suddenly blue and die on me. in the middle of a researched filled five page report. it is because of all the viruses that it swallowed from everything i put in it.

usbs, ipod's, printers, downloads and so the list goes on.

i can't help but envy it though, for it's choice to die when it wills to, or when it is too much.

Unlike i, unlike you, the human persons.

They say we are "condemned to be free".

"Free will. there is always a choice. you make your life happen. you are the one who's trying to please the public. ikaw naman yan eh. ikaw naman gumawa niyan. buhay mo yan eh. kahit anong mangyari. your life is yours to live."

Free will is not respected by the world. a life of your own does not exist for the very world itself envelopes you and it is no longer you but them that you live for, for the money, for the friends, for the loved ones.

you are condemned to be in shackles of the world, forced to live, with the responsibility to take it all lest we be called cowards by the popular judgmental public.

freedom maybe to think and it all ends there. Is it freedom when you are free to dream and yet not strive to fulfill it? is it freedom to love and not free to show it? Is it freedom to want to die but not actually do it? (optimistic bullshitters - ang kakapal ng mga mukha niyong tawaging duwag ang mga taong namiling bigyang katuturan ang ating kalayaan bilang tao, magkaroon ng lakas ng loob upang panindigan ang buhay nila.) their life is theirs and i commend them.

i just wish i can be as brave, as my laptop, as them. But no. i am condemned to live in the chains of my loving family, my patient lover, and my adorable friends.

i am a coward, i don't have the heart and guts to own my life the way they do. my life is not mine. i do not grasp that responsibility.

i am the coward, not them.