For the one who's not the one

Dearest kuya,

I never had the chance to reply to your letter. I never had the chance to kick you and scream at you for not loving me enough to see past my race & my immaturity. I never had the chance to tell you how much I hated you for not choosing me to be yours despite all that you say. If I was your rock, well you were my rice - staple & needed at least thrice a day. You were everything I needed in a friend, brother & mentor. Tamang kulit, tamang lambing, tamang pagbatok lang kapag nagiging tanga. Ikaw. Ikaw na nakawala. You who got away. The one who could have been.

I've been thinking of you a lot lately and it's driving me crazy. I don't know why I took that cigarette out at Starbucks that night. Perhaps I wanted you to see me again, to scold me again, to tell me that you cared whether I killed myself or not. Instead, well, you blatantly told me that you didn't by not pressing the issue, by not telling me to quit being a brat and stop smoking.

I woke up to the reality that your jokes now are really just jokes. No further meaning, no further feeling. I've been throwing what if phrases to you because well honestly - you were still a what if. an option. a possibility. an open ended sentence. And I admit it was unfair to bodi. The person who so patiently loved me despite my imperfections despite his feeling that I loved you more than him, despite the feeling that I might have loved us more that what me and him have.

When we meet again, I will hold you in my arms and kiss your cheek (hopefully if I can muster the strength and the gall to) I don't care what they think. For every word unspoken for every joke that was meant, I owe this to the us that has passed. I will say goodbye to all the anger that i collected so carefully that you are with her and not me. I will throw away all the doubts in my mind of your love for her and burn all my lingering hopeful thoughts of us and what was of us.

Thank you for shaping me into a strong person, my kuya. You saved me from a lot of deaths and have encouraged me to fall in love again with the greatest person in the world. I distanced myself from you since I might see myself falling for you when I have you around. But now I realize that that's just not the point. It's about my decisions. Thinking that you are the one who got away, just won't cut it. You are not the one. Simply put. Out of sight doesn't necessarily mean out of mind. It's about what you decide.

And I decide today. Tonight. To commit and love only one person (even if he doesn't know it yet). I will grow old with him. For me to be his only one and him mine.

I love you bodi yuhico. You are my only one, starting tonight until forever.